When a marriage disintegrates, the split is often the cause of a lot of bitterness and resentment on both sides. Anger, shame and jealousy can fill a space once taken up by love. Hurt feelings may so predominate that neither of the former partners desires any further contact with the other. If they have children from their marriage, however, then this makes it necessary for them to stay connected on some level and make their interactions as civil as possible.
Children can be very sensitive to the animosity that passes between their mothers and their fathers. We as parents should be, ideally, the focal point of stability for them. Their sense of security will already have been shaken by our divorce, so we don’t want to deal it any further damage by filling them with negative images of their other parent. Smoothing over our anger with a calm façade and holding our tongues when the kids are present are both commendable stopgap techniques, but our young ones can still perceive the tensions that are simmering below the surface. We would set them at ease much more effectively if we could create genuinely harmonious working relationships with our ex-spouses.
Does this proposal sound like it would be nearly impossible to achieve? If it does, this probably means that we are still caught up in the cycle of blame. We can always find a hundred ways to justify our anger towards our former partners. Working at creating harmony requires a complete shift in attitude. We have to ask ourselves this question: would we rather be right, or be happy?
If it is happiness that we seek - and a nurturing experience for our children - then we should let go of our blame and own up, instead, to our own part in the dissolution of our marriage. No matter how righteous we may feel, if we are really honest with ourselves we will see how we are equally responsible for the way in which our relationship soured. Admitting this will bring the power back into our court. We can face the mother or father of our children without feeling the need to attack them. Perhaps they will reciprocate, in time; if not out of respect to us, then at least out of love for the children.
Divorce does not have to turn into a war with our offspring caught in its midst. Refraining from blaming our ex-spouses, and taking personal responsibility for our current situation, will make possible a more fruitful and harmonious working relationship that can provide peace of mind for ourselves and greater stability for our children.
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