Our-FamilySpace

Patients & Understanding

rhorton@our-familyspace.com (Randy M. Horton) — Tue, 09 Oct 2007 00:07:51 --500

For a non-custodial parent it is tough, difficult at times to understand or to have the Patients to deal with the court system, work, and home life and so on. If you find that you at the end of the proverbial “Rope” please be patient and understand. If you have done everything you can and you’re happy with yourself and what you have done, please be patient. The judicial system will do its thing and in its own time everything will work out.

I write about Patients & Understanding for a few different reasons. The first reason is because that I finally understand what it means to be patient. Make sure you do what you can to make your life livable for you. Day to day things get up in the morning and brush your teeth, get dressed and have some coffee! Go to work and do the best you can to grow your skill set and your professional outlook. Take a different way to or from work, stop at a local gas station and buy a king size snickers and eat it right away. Call your attorney and ask him/her “What’s another word for Thesaurus”?

I guess what I am trying to say is take care of things you can and put the others at “His” feet. Anything that you cannot change you will not so don’t even try. There are some issues, people, and things in our life that we cannot do anything about, NOTHING! I am not the type to say “Deal with it” I am the type that will say “Come on let go get a snickers”. That whole thing about life handing you lemons and making lemon aid, no lemons are sour all together. Find something that you enjoy doing and do it.

I sit writing in this Blog October 9, 2007 I actually have two court dates back to back in two different cities 590 miles apart. One on the 16^th and the other on the 17^th there is nothing more I can do. I have two attorneys and they are very good at what they do. I don’t want to continue either case I want to attend and get things straightened out and move on with life. This is where patients come in as well as an understanding. I can’t change anything between now and then I realize this and I am setting this/these at “His” feet. Let go and Let GOD – I have been living by this for the past four/five years now.

Please be patient and understand that it will work itself out and when all is said and done, it will be ok. If you can I would like for you to try to understand the other side as well. Look at from the Mom, custodial parent side. They have concerns, and I am sure some may be valid and some will be exaggerated and over the top. This is where you need the patients, and let the court/Judge make their decision. I guarantee you if: you have done everything you can and you’re happy with yourself and what you have done you will be ok.

On another note our tour is up and working if you would like to check it out. It is located here http://www.our-familyspace.com/tour/Our-FamilySpace.html

Take Care,
-Randy

Blended not Stirred

rhorton@our-familyspace.com (Randy M. Horton) — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 19:07:10 --500

I have a blended family I have three children and two step sons, all of which I am very proud of. Sometimes it is hard to understand how it all functions, by that I mean who is responsible. For instance sometimes there maybe something that you may not agree with and you want to be heard. You may to “Flex” your parental muscle and say this is the way it has to be.

Hello,

Wow it has been a while since I wrote in this blog :( Sorry. Well I love the title, I thought about this title and it is a perfect fit. Blended family, Step Children, Step Family, whatever one wants to call it. We can kick the vernacular tires on this one all day. I have a blended family I have three children and two step sons, all of which I am very proud of. Sometimes it is hard to understand how it all functions, by that I mean who is responsible. For instance sometimes there maybe something that you may not agree with and you want to be heard. You may to “Flex” your parental muscle and say this is the way it has to be.

My two step sons have a great father in their lives, I mean an awesome dad. If you can follow this his ex-wife is my wife simple huh? Well I am compelled to write about these two people. My wife who is by far the second best mother I have ever met in my life. When I first met her I found it strange how well they [her ex-husband] got along, I thought wow they are divorced is this real? Throughout the past four-five years I have come to realize it is not about them. As Dr. Phil would say “It’s not about you”. They both know and they both want what’s best for their sons. They talk everyday they discuss, grades, activities, sore throats, and weekends. Who is picking up and dropping off, football, baseball, and other activities. I sometimes think man I wish I had a relationship like that with my ex-wife but that is another blog ;)…

Anyways back to the topic – I have found that the truth is in this “Blended Family” we all have to want to work together and then work together to make it a reality. On two occasions I had to travel to be in a court room in NC and my wife wanted to be there. She would talk to her ex-husband and he would say no problem I will watch the boys. When we would talk about I would tell my wife that her and her ex- should start a program and talk to others that can’t get along. I commend these two people and I praise them for the great work they do together for their children’s sake.

Take Care,
-Randy

Making Peace for the Sake of Our Children

rhorton@our-familyspace.com (Randy M. Horton) — Thu, 20 Sep 2007 22:50:03 --500

When a marriage disintegrates, the split is often the cause of a lot of bitterness and resentment on both sides. Anger, shame and jealousy can fill a space once taken up by love. Hurt feelings may so predominate that neither of the former partners desires any further contact with the other. If they have children from their marriage, however, then this makes it necessary for them to stay connected on some level and make their interactions as civil as possible.

Children can be very sensitive to the animosity that passes between their mothers and their fathers. We as parents should be, ideally, the focal point of stability for them. Their sense of security will already have been shaken by our divorce, so we don’t want to deal it any further damage by filling them with negative images of their other parent. Smoothing over our anger with a calm façade and holding our tongues when the kids are present are both commendable stopgap techniques, but our young ones can still perceive the tensions that are simmering below the surface. We would set them at ease much more effectively if we could create genuinely harmonious working relationships with our ex-spouses.

Does this proposal sound like it would be nearly impossible to achieve? If it does, this probably means that we are still caught up in the cycle of blame. We can always find a hundred ways to justify our anger towards our former partners. Working at creating harmony requires a complete shift in attitude. We have to ask ourselves this question: would we rather be right, or be happy?

If it is happiness that we seek - and a nurturing experience for our children - then we should let go of our blame and own up, instead, to our own part in the dissolution of our marriage. No matter how righteous we may feel, if we are really honest with ourselves we will see how we are equally responsible for the way in which our relationship soured. Admitting this will bring the power back into our court. We can face the mother or father of our children without feeling the need to attack them. Perhaps they will reciprocate, in time; if not out of respect to us, then at least out of love for the children.

Divorce does not have to turn into a war with our offspring caught in its midst. Refraining from blaming our ex-spouses, and taking personal responsibility for our current situation, will make possible a more fruitful and harmonious working relationship that can provide peace of mind for ourselves and greater stability for our children.

Non-Residential Don't Give Up!

rhorton@our-familyspace.com (Randy M. Horton) — Tue, 18 Sep 2007 09:50:48 --500

It's so sad when children get stuck in the middle of two adults who can't get along. This may seem harsh but a parent needs to love their children more then they hate the other person. They are the innocent victim in all this. When will parents realize that their bitterness and anger affects the children? People need to grow up and get over whatever it is that is fueling their hatred for the children's sake. Only when parents can look beyond themselves and see the damage being done, will there be true healing. Any parent who uses their children as a tool to motivate their anger is bitter and selfish.

Often at times there is no one willing to tell the parent with the anger issue to “get over it” and this is Unfortunate. Maybe people need to step up and be honest with their friend or family member who is putting their children through something like this. Maybe if my ex-wife had someone who spoke openly and honestly with her about her actions and motives and how they affect our children, she would see what she is doing. Then again, most wouldn’t listen anyway.

Non-Residential parents need to keep moving forward and doing all they can to be active parents in their children’s lives. Don’t let the other parent wear you down. That’s exactly what they are trying to do. Be a constant in your kid’s lives and they will remember it when they are older. Do SOMETHING with a skill that you’re good at or keep a journal and re-read what you wrote last week. I developed this Web site it is like a release for me, using technology and my skill to have a closer relationship with my children it is a win win.

I just finished reading “Kids live what they learn” If there is any truth in this book, then the odds are already stacked against me. The reason I say this, I can count on two hands and a foot of how many phone calls I have received from my children in the past four years. To put it in layman’s terms my ex-wife simply does not have the children call. She has said “It’s your responsibility to have a relationship with your children” to a small degree I do agree with that. When the children are five and three years of age and they can’t dial numbers, or they need permission to use the phone who is going to help them? So they grow and dad leaves message after message after message, and in the back of their mind it’s ok not to talk to dad…

Recently in a hearing our Judge heard about the calls and saw phone records. The Judge said it best “Mrs, ex-wife you make your children eat their peas, make them call their father”. I could not agree more, society and our judicial system NEEDS more Judges like the one that heard our case.

Take Care,

-Randy

Welcome to Our-FamilySpace Blog

rhorton@our-familyspace.com (Randy M. Horton) — Mon, 17 Sep 2007 09:28:25 --500

I wanted to start this blog and get other opinions on this Topic.

I know everyone has a story and we want to you to share it.

The reason I created this Web site was because of a Welcomed Court Ordered "Distance Co-Parenting" issue. When the Judge ordered the Web site (NOT Our-FamilySpace) and we were to use, it I instantly thought "I can creat a site like that...". Our Judge in our trial observed the other parties bitterness and I have to admit at times in court it was apparent. I never knew that such a site was out there I never thought of it and I created ProjectSpace.com an online Collaboration Project Management web site eight years ago.

As soon as I got home from North Carolina I signed up for the site (NOT Our-FamilySpace) and logged in! It was a pretty dry site and lacks some important features but in all it was ok. I decided to take the base application code for ProjectSpace and create Our-FamilySpace, with-in three weeks the Web site is up and Running.

Take Care
-Randy